How does he do it?
What is “not buying into it”? I was having lunch with my boyfriend today, talking about blogging, podcasting, and just sharing publicly. I was saying how I may write something or create a “potential podcast” (which I’ve been doing for over a year, but not actually publishing any) and then I keep thinking, “this is…
Is she happy in her life?
Last week we were sitting in a cafe having lunch. The table next to us looked like a family of four. The two kids seemed to be around 5 or 6 years old. The mom and dad were sitting on one side of the table and the kids on the other . The mom seemed…
Notes on jealousy
When I was in my early 30s, one of my best friends of many years whom I used to spend a lot of time with got married in the peak of our friendship when we were traveling together and having fun being single (of course all the while both of us, longing for a relationship…
Writing about some happy moments
I came across some girl’s blog post and found it fun reading her musings. It wasn’t deep. and I can’t even say what it was about. It got me thinking. A thought I’ve had before as well. Why do I only write about my moments of suffering and epiphanies that come out of suffering? I…
When you feel anything but love for someone you are supposed to love
Rumi says every feeling is a guest. To welcome it smiling. I sometimes remember this when I feel hate or envy or resentment. I find it it easier to welcome these feelings when the person who theses feelings are directed towards is either myself or if someone else, they are not around me. But what…
To post or not?
Why do I want to write and post publicly? I often have this ongoing struggle in my head. There are two competing voices in my head. One says: write and post it. Share your heart and your journey and it doesn’t matter who reads it. Like that’s none of my business. My business is just…
60 seconds of Success!
I often wonder why I write here. And why I write the things I write and not other things. Today for example, I feel like writing about this moment. A moment of about a minute or so. I turned on my phone this morning to send some photos of the cats to their mom. But…
What hurts when I see that girl getting married?
I came across this Hemingway quote that says “write hard and clear about what hurts” I write almost everyday for myself. Here in this blog though, I write intermittently, I don’t post most of what I write. I try to make it pretty or put a nice photo when I do post. I try to…
Anxiety on Decision Making, what is here now?
Here I am writing, my salvation always. what is here now? Is there any point in putting out what I write? Is there a good choice and bad choice? I am anxious about tomorrow. Me going alone to Madrid to see the second opinion orthopedist. Will I be able to get on the plane with…
Mesmerized by Louie
I write about my unruly mind a lot but I thought why not also share other moments when my mind is either quieter or able to be spell-bound by beauty around me. Rumi says every day you are visited by a guest, the guest of different feelings. So I want to tell you about my…
The mean mind
I was just meditating. Recently started it, not regularly but I realize I really like it when I do it. I am using this guided meditation by Byron Katie called ‘you are supported’ or something like that. One of the things that is different about it than other guided meditations I’ve tried is that while…
My current antidote to my decision making perfectionism
I remember some years ago a friend f mine who was getting married called me while she was shopping for her wedding dress. She was torn between two dresses and was having a hard time deciding. In fact I think it had been a few hours of being in the shop with her family and…
Lessons from a night of Insomnia
Last night I woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and then couldn’t fall asleep. Thoughts racing in my head and no matter how hard I tried to mediate, or use all my tools of “I am not my thoughts” and don’t believe your thoughts and even counting sheep, they…
REGRET
This past weekend I was at a gathering and a scenario came up that has happened often in my life when I have mentioned that I don’t think I will be having children. A friend who recently had a baby was there with her mom. This was the first time I was meeting this sweet…
Thoughts on Two Spanish Movies
Been sick at home for the past few days, having had to cancel a trip I was looking forward to for my mom’s birthday. All I am doing, when I am not sleeping, is read and watch movies, mostly in Spanish. (Covid test Negative… phewww!) I saw two old Spanish movies that are incredible and…
When you can’t imagine it, can it still happen?
If someone told me in 2019, that later this year, you are going to meet someone. It is going to have the same excitement and attraction as other guys you had liked, but what will be different is that you will feel a friendship and ease with this guy and that this relationship, unlike all…
Journey of self love
For most of my late 20s and 30s, every romantic relationship I entered, after a few months, I felt anxious. Somehow feeling that this person is not in to me as much as they were a week go, a month ago or a day ago. I used to think I am right when I think…
I am willing to experience this — how to be with one’s own self
This morning I woke up with a whole army of thoughts. Going over a conversation with some friends. Feeling angry of why she said that. Feeling sad at why they think this way. Why do they have this kind of standards. As I was laying in bed, looking at my phone, another thought said I…
Is he lying to me….. or…… do I not like me?
Last night I was talking to the guy I am dating. I was telling him that not being able to go to the gym (because of the gym closure in this corona times) has made me get anxiety about getting out of shape. At one point, he stopped me and gave me a complement about…
This feeling lonely
Journals from October 2018…. some really lonely days……. I wonder how many people at this instant feel lonely in the world. How does loneliness feel to them? I have realized that at times although alone I don’t feel lonely. And those are the times I feel somehow connected to others or something. That my life…
To share or not?…… the vulnerability hangover
I have realized that when it comes to open-ness, vulnerability and sharing, I have one foot in the idea that sharing and being vulnerable is healing and overall a positive thing and one foot in an old belief that perhaps comes from my culture, maybe parents or older relatives that “you shouldn’t be so open”,…
What to do with all these thoughts?
This morning I woke up with this subtle not so great feeling. Ugh what is the thought. What if I like him more than he likes me? What if I am more attached than he is?…. No in reality, the thought doesn’t even have a maybe in it. It doesn’t come as a question. It…
Who pays for the date?
A few nights ago I was in a gathering with some friends. Somehow this topic came up. A friend was recounting a story of years ago when he had been on a dinner date with a girl. He was saying how he hates it when the girl pretends like she wants to pay, slowly taking…
This being me… whoever that is
It was many moons ago but I remember the conversation like it was yesterday. I was on the phone with my sister, asking her what I should text this guy I had gone on a date a few nights prior. I was asking if what I had planned to text him sounded good (I guess…
This Deep, Old River – post break up mental loop
I open my eyes and look up at the willow tree behind my bedroom window. Normally I love waking up to this tree. But on this day I have too much pain in my heart to appreciate its dancing leaves. As soon as I open my eyes, I remember the night before and the breakup…
This “Anxious Attached”
I have a love and hate relationship with the beginning of dating, when you meet someone you like. After a long time. someone who all of a sudden activates all that bundle of hope, longing, desire, excitement, anxiety, fear, obsession and shear terror that was filed away somewhere in the archives of my psyche while…
This Being Single – “Finding Love”
While driving home a few week ago, I was listening to a podcast I recently came across in which people write letters about a topic of conflict and the hosts give them advice. I had listened and liked a few of their episodes, so, when I saw an episode titled “The One”, I was intrigued.…
Nothing Means Anything!
What does it mean to live with your mom when you are turning 40 and single? A few months ago I decided to move in with my mom. I don’t know why exactly. I loved my apartment in MarVista so much. It was my sanctuary. But maybe because I felt like I needed a change…
A Life Candy or a Partner?
I remember that weekend day in Spring of 2010 so vividly when I was down and disappointed over my last relationship which had not worked out. My dad who had been sick for a while but tried to go for daily walks asked me to go for a walk with him. As we slowly walked…
Insecure or Confident?
I don’t know what age I was…maybe 18… maybe younger, when I heard phrases like “Confidence is the most important thing”, “Confidence is sexy”, “Confidence is the most attractive attribute of a woman” Whenever I had insecure thoughts in my head, which were not uncommon, especially when it came to how I looked, it would…
This being single
For the past 12 years or more, since my last relationship of almost 10 years ended, I thought I’d just meet someone and get married like every woman I know. And although secretly marriage and kids scared me but the idea of that woman who is 40, alone, unmarried, no kids, pitied and judged scared…
This being human 