Is he lying to me….. or…… do I not like me?

Last night I was talking to the guy I am dating. I was telling him that not being able to go to the gym (because of the gym closure in this corona times) has made me get anxiety about getting out of shape. At one point, he stopped me and gave me a complement about my body, smiling and saying how he is in to my body. It momentarily (like for 5 seconds) felt good, before the next thought crossed my mind “he is just saying that… maybe he likes my body but preferred it was more toned…. He likes it now but will not liked it if I gain weight” and my “problem areas” or what I think as “problem areas” flashed in front of my face strengthening the thought that “he must not really like my body that much”

Then it hit me. If I don’t believe I am good enough it doesn’t matter what someone else says, I won’t believe them. Which reminded me of the work of Byron Katie (also called “the work”), a self-reflection process I’ve been doing for some time. It is a process of identifying and questioning stress-causing thoughts.

When I do the work on insecure thoughts about my relationship…. for example; he will lose interest in me (a thought I have every time I date someone I am in to), I find out that I am actually looking at his words and actions through the lens of this thought “he is losing interest in me” and finding evidence for it. 

And when I do the work and realize this and go back and for example, read an old text message that at the time had made me freak out, I suddenly realize that I hadn’t even read the text right and dismissed parts of it. 

Forexample, in the first few weeks we had started dating, he had invited me to his friend’s house who was having a party. I texted him saying, do you want to meet up together and hang out before going to your friend’s party? And his response was something like: “I’d love to see you earlier and spend more time with you. I am already here early to help him out but why don’t you come here if you want and we can hang out here” 

When I first read this, the feeling that came over me was that subtle anxiety… thinking  “I am more in to him than he is in to me.”, “he is being nice and polite but doesn’t care much about seeing me as much I want to see him”

I decided to question the validity of this thought, “I am more in to him than he is in to me” by doing the work which is questioning the validity of the thought using 4 questions and then turning the thought around. (really sitting with each question with an open mind)

1-Is it true? 2- Can I absolutely know it is true?  3- How do I react when I believe this thought (as in what emotions come up? What images of past and future come up?how do I treat him and myself when I believe this thought) 4- Who would I be without this thought? (Who would I be looking at my phone with his text on it and couldn’t even think this thought?)

And then turn the thought around and see if the turned around thought (he is in to me as much as I am in to him or he is more in to me than I am in to him, etc) is true or not?

When I did this process, in the midst of sitting with these questions and turn-arounds, I had this mind-blowing realization that as long as I think I am not good enough, as long as “I am not in to me” (which was also a turn around), I won’t believe when he literally says “I’d love to see you and spend more time with you”. I see these words and think oh, he is just being nice. 

And how many times in the day, in our other relationships, we are certain someone is lying or just flattering us, or doubting them. And we are certain of it because in the past our experience showed that this person or another person had just been flattering me. And this is how we live in the past, never really giving the present person, the present moment, the words we are hearing, a real chance. The mind has a narrative that it gets from the past and it projects to now and future constantly. It’s our safety mechanism….. how we protect ourselves from getting hurt. 

I heard a friend once say, I am very good at profiling people. They say one sentence and I can read them all the way. And she was proud of this. But then life becomes dull to say the least. No chance for anything new.

I have heard Byron Katie say “if my husband didn’t wash the dishes last night and I see him in the morning, he is innocent this morning” I used to hear this and find it bizarre. I’d think but he is guilty of not washing the dishes last night.  But the more I sit with events that have hurt or bothered me and find the thought behind the emotion and question it, the more I am realizing how nice it would be if I could totally forget the past continuously and see only the now. And even though I can’t really forget the past, but questioning the validity of my perception of the past allows the past to show itself to me more clearly and often times it is a lot less painful than I had perceived it.

In my forever quest of how to suffer less, my newest friend is this work of Byron Katie but I find the essence of this work the same as what mindfulness (MBSR) says, the same as what my therapist of the past 3 years who describes her spiritual path as “a course in miracle” reiterated to me on each session or what Echkart Tole says. They say it in different wording but ultimately all trying to bring you to the pure experience of this present moment. 

So I guess a moment of victory for me was when I heard the guy I am dating tell me how he is in to my body and then immediately doubted him, thankfully, I then doubted my doubt. Is it him lying to me about liking my body or is it me not liking my body and therefor finding it hard to believe him no matter what he says?

This feeling lonely

Journals from October 2018…. some really lonely days…….

I wonder how many people at this instant feel lonely in the world. How does loneliness feel to them? 

I have realized that at times although alone I don’t feel lonely. And those are the times I feel somehow connected to others or something. That my life matters. 

But when that heavy feeling of loneliness sets in, it feels like I am not connected to anything or anyone. That I am irrelevant.

And today I woke up feeling like that. I had this full week. Busy and full of people and work. And I really enjoyed it. But it is interesting how a little thought comes like “I have no plans this weekend” and then a little phrase or text can … whoosh… take you to that lonely place. Perhaps touch that existential wound that we all have.  At that moment that I heard my sister say she had to get off the phone cause she was gonna have dinner with her husband. This phrase made me think” “Look at how much of a priority they are to each other” and made me feel sad that I don’t have someone in my life that I enjoy his company so much that I would stop my other conversations to go have dinner with him. 

And then while my mind was marinating part consciously and part not so much on “I am lonely”, I got a text from a close friend whom I love to spend time with and haven’t seen in a while. We used to have this weekend ritual together that I looked forward to. Every Saturday we used to start the morning with a dance class, then go to this diner for brunch. We’d share our feelings, laugh and many times cry our eyes out, going through so much tissue paper wiping our tears. But her life has changed. She now has a small kid and has become busy with family plans and even though I know she wants to see me, it doesn’t happen as often anymore. She messaged me telling me that she loves me and that she has seen this beautiful movie with her husband and that I should go see it. Instead of feeling happy that I got this loving text from her, my mind went in to thinking about how these days she spends her entire weekend with her husband and family and makes no mention of seeing me. 

I thought, here I am really looking forward to these encounters. To seeing my sister and to seeing my best friend but their lives are full with their husbands, etc and their priorities are to them. They don’t need me as much as I need them.

So I went from being in peace with my life this past week….Work was good, in appreciation for my medical assistant, my coworkers, my friends who I had spent time with, even how I got to randomly meet someone while on a run and thinking what wonderful surprises you get when you are single….. to waking up with these thoughts, my mind going down the quick sand of “how sad is my life and how un-needed I am to these people I need. And if I wasn’t even here, yes, maybe they would be sad but they’d get over it” 

In the midst of this sad saga, this story of feeling sorry for my self, I thought how can I get myself out of this and went to the only thing that works when I am willing to do it. I remembered the words of my therapist “befriend the loneliness, be with what comes up” so I reached for mindfulness. 

The RAIN practice of emotions – Recognize, Allow, Investigate and Nurture. I listened to Tara Brach’s guided RAIN meditation. Sat with it and just let it all come up. The waves of sadness so strong it feels like it is gonna rip through my heart and would never end. But then the ability to nurture, like a mother that holds an unruly, needy kid with so much love and tenderness. with no judgement. And then slowly and so slowly it is amazing how emotions subtly shift when we don’t resist them. And as I finished this RAIN meditation and started moving about my day, through the ensuing hours, wisdom became so much more clear and accessible. 

I was able to notice all that I love and is here around me. Like this willow tree by my window that dances in the wind and is so soothing to me. or this little kitty that sleeps so cozily and makes me smile or how I love to go run by the trees and feel the air in my hair.

And I was able to have some clearer thoughts. I thought no one can really take the place of someone else.  Yes, my sister has her husband who is her companion but it doesn’t take away from her connection with me. I remember times in my life that I was so busy with what was in front of my face, wether a relationship or new friends and studies in medical school and I had less time for my sister or other friends. Did it mean they were irrelevant? Did it mean that even if I didn’t see them or talk to them for days or even weeks that their presence didn’t warm my heart and give me reassurance? And if any one of them were to “not be here” there would be a giant hole the size of them in my life; their kindness, their wit, their touch… just like after all these years, there is still a hole in my life the size of my dad, even though at times I didn’t spend enough time with him or didn’t even feel fully connected to him while he was alive.

I think no one is immune to loneliness at least at some points in their lives. And when we are going through it, it feels like it will never end. And some of us have come to see  loneliness either as a deficiency on our part or fault of others for abandoning us or fault of universe for forgetting about us. But the truth is that it is just being human, part our need for connection and part our unhelpful and frankly bullshit conditioning depicted perfectly in the famous song by Dean Martin that says “you are no body till somebody loves you” or more like “till somebody shows you they love you the way you think they should” cause they could love you (like my sister and friends do) and your expectations of them makes you think they don’t.

Such is life, my love. This is what I hear from that wiser part of me, the sane part of my mind…. Such is life. And this is a season that has some lonely days in it. And it is ok. And when these self-pitying thoughts pour in your head and deepen the pain of loneliness, just see them, hear them and forgive them again and again, forgive your mind again and again and turn your attention to love, to that ever-present love that is right here, in the dance of the willow tree leaves, the cozy nap of the cat under that patch of sun, the joy of the wind in your hair when you run. Open your arms to all of life.

To share or not?…… the vulnerability hangover

I have realized that when it comes to open-ness, vulnerability and sharing, I have one foot in the idea that sharing and being vulnerable is healing and overall a positive thing and one foot in an old belief that perhaps comes from my culture, maybe parents or older relatives that “you shouldn’t be so open”, “some things are to be kept private”

My friend who has a podcast called “Sustainable Medicine” recorded a conversation of us for a podcast episode, asking me about my recent decision to quit my job, take a break from full time medicine and the time in my life when I felt very burnt out. As he would ask me the questions, the vulnerable answers would come to my mind and I would think “should I share this or share a less vulnerable version of it?”…. a part of me wanted to be as real as possible…. I wanted to tell any person who is listening and might be feeling the same anxiety and burn out that they are are not alone in all their thoughts and emotions and yet as soon as the words would come out of my mouth, I’d think about how my words can be judged by some people. 

After we had finished recording the podcast, I found myself not wanting to listen to it. It was hard to hear myself being vulnerable. I was wondering why am I having a hard time with this whole sharing and how much or how little to share. Why do I get a vulnerability hangover when I share? I write this blog and it makes it seem like sharing is easy for me. But the truth is, it is and it isn’t. Being open generally comes easy to me. But usually after I share something somewhat vulnerable, I get what I heard Brene Brown call “the vulnerability hangover”, which is when this judge in me wakes up and starts telling me how I shouldn’t have shared. This is probably the reason I stopped writing in my blog for over a year. 

I sat in inquiry (using Byron Katie’s method called the work) trying to figure out where I get this duality from. Wondering why I have a judgement about open-ness which is something that a part of me feels strongly about and frankly comes so naturally to me. 

Why do I judge something that is so me? 

I realized that I had gotten criticized by parents or elders as a kid or a teenager when I had shared what they thought should not have been shared “why did you tell so and so about this?” Or I’d hear in Farsi “you are so sadeh” which literally means simple but actually means gullible and in this context meaning not savvy enough to know what not to share with someone… mainly not to ruin your image. I guess the goal being to always give and maintain a good image. 

And come to think of it, the judge in me is also worried about image or what others will think of me after I share what I share and in general about being an open person. Will they think; whoa…. that’s too much sharing or will they feel uncomfortable hearing someone sharing about her insecurity? Will they like me less or think less of me? 

When I do the work of Byron Katie, the forth and last question is “Who would you be without this thought?” And in this case the judging thought is that somehow sharing is “bad.” Whenever I do the inquiry, I find so much freedom in question number 4. Who would I be without a thought that causes me grief? The answer is always a relaxed, pure me, just being me. When I did this exercise, asking myself this question, who would I be without the thought that sharing is (bad, stupid, unwise, approval-seeking, uncool, etc), I did find the same freedom. I’d be me. But then immediately came a fear… shit, what if without this thought, without this judgmental thought, I’d share too much. I’d somehow be really uninhibited and it would be unacceptable. 

And at the moment that this fear crept up is when I realized that I just hit the edge of my freedom at this moment and point in my life.

I remember I was in a meditation class of my favorite teacher and she always started the class with a personal story of some challenge she was facing and how meditation/mindfulness had given her insight in to the challenge. She’d share really vulnerable things like how she was getting older and had the fear of not being able to have children and had chosen to freeze her eggs or how she had gotten really irritated at her boyfriend earlier that day and had then had a moment of awareness which helped her not react. 

Her honest sharing was the reason I went to class. It was the reason I loved her class. I wonder if she ever experienced vulnerability hangover? If she did, I am glad she didn’t let it stop her from sharing. Her stories are still with me. They made me feel close to her and they made me feel less alone in my struggles. 

What to do with all these thoughts?

This morning I woke up with this subtle not so great feeling. Ugh what is the thought. What if I like him more than he likes me? What if I am more attached than he is?…. No in reality, the thought doesn’t even have a maybe in it. It doesn’t come as a question. It comes with certainty; “I like him more than he likes me.” 

So where the fuck is this thought coming from? I really don’t have any objective evidence for it but I know this is how my relationships go down. With this exact, subtle thought. It starts little like this and then festers. If I believe this thought, I subtly pull back. And then of course they react to me pulling back and then I get my self-fulfilling prophecy indeed fulfilled. Then I am sure he likes me less and I pull back more. 

So I do the only thing that I know usually helps me. Write and write. Write all my thoughts. What little word or phrase did I hear that has made my mind go there? When you are a sensitive person with a past that you believe as “failed relationships” and get attracted to unconventional guys who value their independence, it is easy to take little things as evidence for your story. The story I have in my head. I will need him more than he needs me. 

It was helpful to look at the little thoughts that were there as evidence behind this thought and to really ask my self; Is it really true what I am thinking or is it just habitual thinking? Just water down the old river. What is the habitual pattern of thinking for me? I start a relationship and slowly start to have thoughts like these that make me anxious or eat away at my peace and I can’t enjoy getting to know this new person that universe has brought in to my life. 

My habitual pattern is also to get really mad at myself when I have these thoughts. Why they hell do you think this way? Why can’t you not be so sensitive and just not take every little word as meaning something or other. But truth is that getting mad at myself does not help anything. 

So while struggling with all of these thoughts and feelings while trying to go about my day, I stopped and just remembered what I learned in this course I took “mindfulness self compassion” and I also remembered the promise I made myself a few months ago “I will never abandon any part of myself” and here is a part of me that is in pain (meaning anxiety, fear, confusion, etc) and the course said whenever there is pain, there is room for compassion. So I held this part of me that is so scared and confused, telling her she belongs too. It is ok if she is sometimes so sensitive towards every little word and is scared and even wants to pull back. I literally held that part of me like a scared child. It’s ok. You have the right to be here, even thought ultimately you are believing some thoughts that are not valid but still, you are here and if you are here, you deserve to be here. 

I would have never allowed myself to do this before. I used to think that if I am giving room, or saying ok to a part of me that says “I am not liked” or “victim” or “needy” that it will get worse, but what I have realized that it doesn’t. In my case, accepting and loving all of me, even the parts I really wish I didn’t have, actually feels much better ultimately and makes me be able to think more clearly. 

I realized the thought is: what if the kind of closeness I want in my relationship is not what he wants. What if I am fooling myself and making it seem like I want a more distant relationship. The truth is that I don’t exactly know what kind of relationship I want. It’s been so long since I was in a a long term relationship. 

We walk around together talking about how unconventional our lives are and I find myself out of the blue saying “I don’t think there is anything wrong with living in two separate houses and having a relationship like that, some people do it”. Or that “we don’t have to label anything” and I totally and utterly believe it when I say it. 

And then out of the blue I wake up and I also have thoughts like “what if we are dating for months and months and he never introduces me as his girlfriend or what if he wants tons of space to himself, or what if I want to live with him and he doesn’t” Which one of these thoughts are really me? When I am thinking the former thoughts I feel ok about myself. I feel independent and when I think the latter thoughts, I judge myself for being needy.  So realizing this, again, I decide to not judge the thoughts, but see them as my children.………  if you are here, you belong…. It’s ok for me to want more closeness and if he doesn’t, then we want different things and maybe I won’t be with him ….. it’s ok… it’s ok… it’s ok…. It doesn’t make me needy or lesser or not as strong….. it’s ok” 

And that’s exactly what happened. After having this brief moment of accepting all my children; the needy, the scared, the confused, the one in doubt, the one who wants to pull back, the one who may want more closeness than this guy may want, I reached some moments of clarity. 

I realized that the opposite of this could be true as well. In fact I’ve also been there. I could be with a guy,  and he is dropping his life to be with me every moment. He is only wanting to spend his time with me over his other friends. He is telling everyone I am his girlfriend after only some weeks of knowing each other and asking me to do the same. He is planning his entire life around me….. and I can easily imagine the thoughts I would have at that time. Of course I would initially be happy that someone I so admire, is so in to me but I can see that I will probably have thoughts like “do I really want to be with him everyday of the rest of my life? Do I really want to only be with him and have such an exclusive relationship where I am not free to meet and experience conversations and friendships with other men (and I don’t mean sexually but even just friendships) ….. I started to remember my first relationship of almost 10 years and how enmeshed our relationship was….. no room to meet anyone else, no room for new experiences, only me and him all the time and our small circle of friends. I know I don’t like that. I know I’d feel suffocated in that. 

And then the clearest thought hit me. These are all just thoughts. None of it is real. The mind is always looking to improve our situation by pointing out possible “threats”. In the first scenario my mind is trying to look for how I can get hurt, how I can be more attached to him than him to me and can get hurt that way, how my needs may not be met. In the 2nd scenario (remembering my first relationship), the threat is losing my independence, losing my experiences of fun and new, being bored, mundane-ness. 

But what is real? Reality is that at this very moment, I am sitting very comfortably on this seat, typing my thoughts on my laptop, in this adorable, cozy cafe where everywhere I look gives me a good feel, sipping really good coffee in no physical discomfort.  Looking up, there is a few people here in this cafe. There is a plant hanging, a dog curled up comfortably sleeping on the floor, the barista busy pouring coffee, a woman at the bar sipping her coffee. It’s a cold day here and I have my jacket on and feel warm. 

What is really missing? What is the problem? Nothing. 

And what was the problem this morning when I was having all these thoughts. Nothing. I was in the shower, warm water with perfect pressure pouring over my head. Nothing hurting in my body. I had soap, shampoo, everything I needed. And yet, my thoughts about what could be in the future, and what that or this means is exactly what was taking me out of realizing the comfort of the present time and in to discomfort of the unsatisfactory imagined future. 

Really it comes down to this; observe your thoughts, question them, don’t identify with them and in my case, don’t hate on yourself for having the thoughts. As one of my favorite teachers, Byron Katie says “I love what I think, and I’m never tempted to believe it.”

….. and if I can be brave and honor where I am, then also talk to the person I’m in this relationship with, ask him my questions from a place of kindness, and trust what unfolds.

Who pays for the date?

A few nights ago I was in a gathering with some friends. Somehow this topic came up. A friend was recounting a story of years ago when he had been on a dinner date with a girl. He was saying how he hates it when the girl pretends like she wants to pay, slowly taking out her wallet and making a fake offer that she wants to pay or split the check, but all the while wanting the guy to pay for the bill. Apparently on that date, he had let her pay and she had then become sour-faced. 

As I was hearing the story, I was feeling a mix of confusion and a bit of shame. I was thinking “Wait, what is so wrong with that? Isn’t it better to offer than not, even if you ultimately think the guy should pay for the first date?” I asked my friend, how he would have preferred it. That she just sat there and let him pay or to mean it and pay for their dinner? He said he thinks that it is the guy’s responsibility to pay for the date and so yes, he would have preferred it if she sat there and didn’t give this fake, lukewarm offer. And in return, she can buy him a nice thoughtful gift after their second date. It was interesting to me hearing this from a guy who I think of as a forward thinking person.

He went on to bring an analogy that made me realize how much gender roles are still alive for all of us. This friend lives in a nice cabin-like house surrounded by woods and he mentioned that if I am sitting here with my girl and a scary noise comes from outside, obviously I am the one getting up to check on it, not her.  This got me asking him and the group about their opinions on gender roles. For example, whether cooking is the woman’s role, etc (which interestingly no one ever thinks, or at least would admit to) 

As thoughts were circulating in my head of “what kind of person this makes me that I have also done the lukewarm offer in the past”, another friend mentioned how he hates it if the girl just sits there and doesn’t at least make an offer and that he wouldn’t let her pay for the first date but expects her to pay for the next thing they do together. 

At that moment, I realized a couple of things:

1- Here is a group of relatively young, educated and as far as I know progressive men who totally differ in their views and feel very strongly about their opinions on this topic.

2- If even amongst my own circle, people can’t agree on this topic, then how can any one person be right? 

3- There is no reason for me to feel guilt or shame about however I’ve been or decide to be about this topic as long as it is true to my own ethics and beliefs which seem to evolve all the time. 

In my first relationship in my 20s, I was with a guy who was old-school and Iranian and very over-protective and considered it his role as a man to take care of me. And yet we were both around the same age and didn’t make much money and although he would get the bill most times especially when we were with groups of friends, but I remember a period when he was unemployed and I paid when we went out. Although I do remember he didn’t feel good about it. 

Later as I became single and entered dating life in my late 20s and 30s, I always felt awkward just sitting there and letting the guy pick up the check without at least making an offer. And I guess, if I got honest with myself, the ideal way I saw it, is that I offer and he rejects my offer and pays for at least the first few dates and then after that, sometimes he lets me pay and other times (more times) he pays. 

Throughout the years, I have met men (friends or dates) who get offended if the girl offers to pay and men who get offended if the girl doesn’t offer to pay or doesn’t pay equal times. 

And so many conversations with girlfriends come to my mind. 

One girlfriend (a doctor) told me that while on a second date, with the check sitting on the table and the guy (a lawyer) not having made an effort to pick it up, she straight up told him that she believes that the guy should pay for all dates (and this guy, who is now her husband, obliged from that point on)….. When I heard this I thought, wow, gutsy, good for her for voicing what she believes. 

Some other tidbits of conversations around this topic that I remember are: 

“A man wants to feel like a provider and when he pays for the date it makes him feel like he has taken care of the woman”

“If you feel like you are worthy, you will let the guy pay and spoil you and if you are insisting to pay, then you have issues around worthiness and you should work on it” 

Another girlfriend said when she first met her husband, they talked about this issue and he told her, I’ll pay for big stuff and you pay for little stuff. Interestingly as they went in to the marriage, there were periods that she financially supported him. 

And a recent conversation with a friend (also a doctor) who feels conflicted about wanting a guy who makes more money than her and pays for the dates and also feels guilty and ends up splitting the bill on most of her dates.

I still don’t know how I feel about this. But I know that as a woman who makes a doctor’s salary which may be higher than other jobs, and as someone who has been interested in dating not just doctors, but men from different walks of life and careers who may make less money than me, and living in an expensive city such as LA, I don’t see it as fair for the guy to have to pay for every date. I also, somehow feel that some of the guys I have dated in the past who didn’t let me pay for anything, had this expectation of me to be somewhat of a trophy girlfriend with my appearance or mannerism, etc. So I have been really leaning more towards having an equal and maybe a friendship – feel in dating, where perhaps we’d alternate paying for things.

Having said this, there still exists a part of me, maybe the conditioned part, maybe the evolutionary wired part, that does like it when once in a while the guy really takes charge and says “I am taking you out”, makes plans and pays for the date, especially the first date.

Reflecting on all of this, the thing that I am most sure about at this point in my life, is that there is no one recipe or hard rule that would apply to all relationships. I feel that with every person, there is a new opportunity to see how we would be as a duo. An analogy I heard that resonates with me is that a relationship is like a play doh/dough that slowly and together you play with and get to mold it in to the shape that works for both of you and perhaps if you stay together long term, the shape of this dough continually evolves as both people grow and keep making new agreements that are unique and work for the both of them.

This being me… whoever that is

It was many moons ago but I remember the conversation like it was yesterday. I was on the phone with my sister, asking her what I should text this guy I had gone on a date a few nights prior. I was asking if what I had planned to text him sounded good (I guess a mix of witty, cute, sweet and yet not too sweet, that shows I like him but not too much, etc, etc). This wasn’t unusual in my circle of friends where we’d be hanging out and someone would ask if their planned text message was good enough to send or if they should say something different. On that day though, instead of her usual response, my sister surprised me and asked “Why do you think I would know better than you?” I didn’t think much of what she said at the time and went on with my quest for the perfect text. 

But in the past decade or so, her words have come to me at times and more so recently.

As the etched words of Bob Dylan on my necklace remind me “All I can do is be me, whoever that is” 

All these efforts for self-love over the many years had not really driven this point home as well as recently when I went to a Byron Katie School of work. And while there, sitting with myself, questioning some belief, I started to realize how incredibly relaxing and freeing it is to let myself be. Whatever comes out. 

I recently met a guy I like and as we were texting back and forth, I found myself thinking if the text I had just sent him was good. What if he misunderstands it or thinks I am too much of something or not enough of something else and likes me less. And it hit me, perhaps for the first time that the words that I had just texted, was ALSO me, however perfect or imperfect it may be to him. Obviously when I sent it 30 seconds ago, it seemed good enough to me and yet 30 seconds later I am not so sure. 

The title of Byron Katie’s book “A mind at home with itself” gave me this idea…..  What if, god forbid, I accepted my mind? The crazy, monkey mind that has fear and anxiety- causing thoughts in it…. Of course I don’t like my mind when it gives me self-deprecating or fearful thoughts. And yet, what if I accepted it? I mean, these thoughts are running through my mind anyways and hating on them and trying to ignore them doesn’t work for me (It may work for others but not for me). Resisting them and hating on them doesn’t make them go away. They circle right back again. Yet, questioning their validity with kindness makes them slowly lose their grip on me and evaporate and not circle back as strongly. 

I remember an episode of the TV show “Friends” where Chandler is getting ready to go on a date and the group’s advice to him is “Just be yourself, but not too much yourself”. That’s the kind of advice that can subtly drive me crazy. A part of me thinks I am too much, too open, too nice, too independent, too needy, too naive, too a lot of other things. 

So in this journey of self-acceptance, I have realized that when I am sitting here thinking of the perfect text and writing, deleting it and re-writing it, that I should just send what I am thinking as corny or dorky or whatever as it may sound cause that is ALSO me. Sometimes my words are witty and funny or whatever is acceptable to myself and sometimes they are not and yet it is all a part of me. And someone who wants to be with me, will inevitably see all of it. 

It feels so much more freeing and relaxing since I have adopted this. The minute a self-doubting thought comes to my mind about what I said the night before, I think it was THE ME at that time and it was supposed to be like that.  And if I turned this guy off because he didn’t like what I said or did, then he wasn’t meant to be. I’ll be sad to not see him, but I will get over it. After all, if I don’t like my own company including my own thoughts, how can I expect someone else to like it? 

And I know as clear as I feel about what I am writing here today, that next month, I may totally be driving myself crazy over what I said and how I should have said or done it better. Hopefully if that happens, I can come back and read these words that my sane mind is writing right now and remind myself that it is all ok because all of it is part of me and this being human. 

This Deep, Old River – post break up mental loop

I open my eyes and look up at the willow tree behind my bedroom window. Normally I love waking up to this tree. But on this day I have too much pain in my heart to appreciate its dancing leaves.  As soon as I open my eyes, I remember the night before and the breakup and feel that aching in my chest. I lay there in my bed and ask myself what is really making me hurt right now? I know If I am honest with myself, this pain is not really from the end of this particular relationship or this guy, but really it is from a sense of hopelessness.
My mind telling me “You will be alone and lonely forever”, “You somehow fuck up all your relationships”, “You pick the wrong guys”
And then I think, how am I gonna tell all my friends? Why did I introduce him to so many friends so early? I want to just curl up and not be. I don’t want to be me. To be this person who I don’t understand why she ends up alone. Is she too loving or not loving enough? too needy or too independent? too picky or not with good standards? I don’t know.
I lay in my bed thinking I just wanna hide. I am never writing a post in this blog. What was I thinking writing about my life. Hopeless thoughts circulate in my head so fast and settle in my heart so deep that I am finally in that place that gets me to ask for help. Ask that higher power, something wiser than my mind, for help.
After begging my Soul/God/Universe to help me, I go on my phone and do a google search for “book on breakup” and a bunch of books come up and I don’t like any of them. I scroll all the way down and see a cover of a book. A silhouette of a person holding a gun to his head with a red heart in his chest and this catches my attention. It says “Love yourself like your life depends on it”.  I’m curious and I start to listen to the audiobook and the author/narrator’s voice is so genuine. Like he could be a friend. So I buy it.
This book is not really about breakups. But the story of a start-up, silicon valley guy who hits rock bottom; a failing company, sickness, death of a friend and a relationship break up all at the same time and in the depths of darkness and hating on himself and his life, he decides to just love himself.
Obviously it is not the first time I hear of self-love. I have been trying to love and accept myself for some time now. But obviously I still don’t really or I guess fully love myself. I know this because here I am, after a breakup and my thoughts are that I am sick of being me and wanting to hide.  Every time I start a new relationship, if my feelings don’t develop for the guy, I hate on myself for not being able to like a decent guy or if I feel that I haven’t been liked enough by the guy, I question myself and wonder if I am likable enough. How is that for “self-love”?
So I started listening to this audiobook and slowly it instilled hope in me. Because it reminded me of the truth with this perfect analogy.
A river bed is paved slowly though rocks. Over the years, with enough time and intensity, the river bed gets deeper and deeper. And every time it rains, the water finds its way down the path of least resistance, down the the old paved river bed.
Our thoughts are also like that water down the mental river.  Over the years, having heard and learned one way of thinking, we form these deep mental rivers and with every situation, like this breakup, same thoughts get generated, same chain of neurons firing in the brain. Water down the same river.
Beliefs such as “If I am single and my relationship didn’t work then something is wrong with me”, or “If it hasn’t happened, it will never happen”, etc.  Maybe for others it is “If I don’t have a career or am in debt, I am a loser”, “If I am fat and can’t lose weight, I am a failure”, etc. The mind, left to itself repeats the same stories, the same loops, mostly ones that at their core have a message of not-enough-ness.
I know that I am not the only one who gets caught in these mental loops.  I hear it from my friends, family and patients too. I can listen to my friend about her self-deprecating beliefs and realize the false-ness of it and wanna shake her and say “You are amazing, you are a great mother” but her mental river is so deep that thoughts just go down that same river whenever her kid is screaming and she thinks she is a bad mom.
What I have come to realize is that trying to fix the mental loop by reasoning with it (in other words, with thinking our way out of it) doesn’t really seem to work. The only way out of the mental suffering is by shifting the focus of the mind to something else and this book’s suggestion is to shift it to love.
This guy, the author who decided to love himself by over and over saying “I love myself”.  Just repeating this mantra even if he didn’t believe it.
I used to always think of affirmations as fake. But I have finally come to see the value of an affirmation or mantra, one that you can at least partially believe in.
So on that painful day I decided if my mind is making me suffer with all its conditioned bullshit, then I am gonna just create a new river in my brain. It is not impossible. It took 40 years for the current river to be so deep, then I will start investing in a new river and maybe in 10 years from now, my default thinking will be different.
For me, I have created my own mantras that resonate with me. And every time I catch myself in the mental loops, I try to remind myself that this is nothing but an old river.
I don’t know if it is the mantras, or the analogy of the river, or if it is the years of working on myself, or really just asking help from that loving wisdom that I have come to realize always delivers and this time delivered me this book, but somehow the weeks following this past breakup ended up really not being as difficult as I had anticipated.
Kamal Ravikant, the author of this book, says that he almost didn’t publish his book for fear that his silicone valley peers may judge him for writing this kind of book and yet he wrote it anyways and it came to work like magic for me on that really down day. I’ve been hesitating about writing this post for the past month, also for fear of being judged, but ultimately I figure if I truly loved this human on this journey, aka, Me, then I’d be ok with her experiences. I wouldn’t hide her. I would share her story. And maybe it will give someone else hope too.