All Posts – This being human

September 10, 2022

How does he do it?

What is “not buying into it”?

I was having lunch with my boyfriend today, talking about blogging, podcasting, and just sharing publicly.

I was saying how I may write something or create a “potential podcast” (which I’ve been doing for over a year, but not actually publishing any) and then I keep thinking, “this is not good”, “it is too much”, ”it is not eloquent”, “you should only have a public presence about what you are certified in or considered an expert in”, “no one will listen or watch you”.

I was telling him that even when I share a story on instagram, if no one likes it or comments, I start to think maybe it wasn’t good. Maybe it was stupid to share it.

Mo is someone who has had a public, internet presence in some form or other since his 20s. From a blog on an exotic species of Lizards when he was in his 20s and was working in a pet shop, to his current blog, podcast and YouTube channel addressing physicians who want a different lifestyle. I see him create content without fussing about it. Without editing and re-editing. He publishes a video that gets two likes, but he also gets many people reaching out to him at times and tell him how one blog or video that may have even been published in the past has helped them.

It seems to me that he doesn’t really care what it looks like or how many people like it . He does it because he enjoys doing it. The outcome seems less important.

After listening to me, he asked me if there is even a small, tiny, 1% part of me, at some point that thinks what I am sharing is good or worthy or relevant or may help someone.

And my answer is well, yeah, some part of me, does think that. But can’t stand against the loud voice of the other side that says the opposite.

And of course, the same self-doubt is not just present when it comes to social media and public platforms, but in real life. The other night we were at dinner with some new friends from Spain and I was having a great time with them, telling them stories with my broken Spanish. Afterwards when me and Mo were walking home, I kept having this gnawing feeling of self-doubt and told him; I keep thinking maybe I talked too much and didn’t let you or others talk.

Did I think I talk too much when we were there with them? Not really. I was in the moment and enjoying myself. It is always after the fact that the doubts come.

Tom Compton says when you believe one thought, it is like that thought says to other thoughts of similar nature: “hey guys, she is primed and believing this, come, come!” And they all come pouring more. Giving you more evidence of why you were indeed bad or too much.

So, what is Mo’s advice? Just don’t buy into it. Don’t buy into what those thoughts say. If only even 1% of you thinks what you did, said or shared is good, then that’s it. You get to decide. And that part of you has spoken, so go by that.

This, for me, doesn’t mean that if I feel whatever I feel, I ignore it or bypass it, but it is like can I catch it at the level of the thought, when it hasn’t turned in to a feeling yet? Can I catch it when it is just a suggestion that my mind gives, and whispers “you are stupid and your content is stupid” and I just smile and move on because I know it is not true? Can I not buy into, not entertain, the naysayer part? Not even fight with it?

I don’t know. It seems at times impossible to me. But it is the only solution I hear over and over, whether from mindfulness teachings, Eckhart Tolle, Byron Katie, Tom Compton, and my boyfriend who this method is clearly working for.

Let’s see. Let’s see how I do next time the thoughts come, probably after I post this very blog.

What do you do? Do you hear self-doubting thoughts after posting something or even talking in a small gathering? Do you have a way that works for you to not get drowned in the negative self-talk? If so, let me know, either down in the comments or email me in the contact section. I’d love to know.

August 7, 2022August 8, 2022

Writing about some happy moments

I came across some girl’s blog post and found it fun reading her musings. It wasn’t deep. and I can’t even say what it was about.

It got me thinking. A thought I’ve had before as well. Why do I only write about my moments of suffering and epiphanies that come out of suffering? I certainly love what I write about. It gives me clarity when I write it. But why is it that I usually don’t feel the pull to write about a regular day, or a happy day, or times where I am not in suffering.

Like how would it be to write about yesterday. About going to this festival we went to. We drove there in our little car. It was fun. M was driving and I was enjoying his usual funny comments. He looked so handsome in that outfit.

It was a medieval festival and we were supposed to be dressed as medieval peasants. We arrived there and met these friends of our friend who had invited us there. They were so nice. I was surprised how interested they were in us and our lives. I really liked this one girl and wished I could be friends with her. So it felt good that her and her husband kept inviting us over to their city and seemed to have the same interest.

M was so attentive to me. If I needed a bathroom, he looked for one. If I wanted to get food, he went and stood in line with me. We stood watching the stage (the medieval wedding) and my legs started hurting. He was in front of me. And he brought both of his arms behind him and held me from the back. And it felt so good to be held like that.

It felt good to be next to my handsome, fun boyfriend. To be part of this group, to be experiencing such a local, non-touristic festival. To have the thought “Cool, we have friends here in Spain” and they were so warm, so interested in us, in our lives.

After the main part of the festivities were over, people were dancing freely and getting food.

I found myself a chair and sat there while M went to get a drink. Suddenly saw this girl on high stilts with another girl on the ground acting as her marionette doll. It was so funny and she made the marionette doll girl come and sit on my leg. I felt surprised, unsure what to do and just laughed and then found myself laughing for real.

I felt so part of this little village’s festivities. For a moment wished I was Galician as they were all speaking Galego and felt to me they were all proud of their heritage.

We then said goodbye to everyone and started heading towards the car. As we didn’t have any cash to buy food from the booths. But also my leg was hurting too much.

I would have liked to stay longer. It was so cozy and fun to be there. Like I was getting a hug. And I felt good in my peasant outfit.

And as we were going towards the car, I turned around and looked at the scenery. Gosh, it was gorgeous. The green hills and forrests in the background. The little village, the smoke coming out of the Churrasco/BBQ area. The music. I felt so grateful at that moment. So happy.

M went and got the car and picked me up and we were both so happy and relaxed. He would crack his usual jokes of everything which make me laugh so much. We thought of stopping several times for dinner but then decided better to just drive to Santiago and ended up going to the same vegan place we had eaten in the night before.

The waiter who is this cute girl with lots of tattoos and I like her vibe came to get our order and said: “wow, you look so nice tonight” I felt a little embarrassed of still wearing the peasant outfit with the flower crown in my head (M had changed to regular clothes in the car). So I tried to explain where we were coming from and she said again, you look so Guapa. This also made me happy. That this girl whose vibes I like is being so friendly and warm to us.

We got home super tired but good tired.

As I write this today, having started with no strong desire to write about the night which in my head was just a good night, nothing to note. I realize re-living it brought all these happy feelings in me.

My mind says, this is so silly. You can’t post something this simple, with no articulate prose, no good descriptions, and just saying I felt good because of this or that.

My mind also says “your happiness is from the same things that when absent, make you suffer. So you are still in the same mindset”

Well, I am gonna let these thoughts be and still post about this day in my not-so-sexy words. And let myself bask in the remembering of the simple, happy moments which in reality, my life is full of.

August 2, 2022August 2, 2022

To post or not?

Why do I want to write and post publicly? I often have this ongoing struggle in my head.

There are two competing voices in my head. One says: write and post it. Share your heart and your journey and it doesn’t matter who reads it. Like that’s none of my business. My business is just to write and share.

And the other voice says: Why are you doing this? You are being stupid. This is stupid. You are not cut out for this. what you write is not cool. It is not making you look good. It makes you look stupid and pathetic.

You don’t just put everything out there. You should be selective and meticulous. To write something and edit it and edit it until it is perfect and then share it. And you know it is good if lots of people like it, share it and read it. Otherwise, stop doing it.

The first voice is soft, gentle and kind. When I wonder if I should post, it says you love to write, and it is kind to share and when I feel hesitation to share, it says, if you don’t write or post, that is perfectly ok too. There is no “should” with this voice. It is like a kind energy flowing.

The second voice is that of the many people in my head who I have heard being critical of others, saying “who made her an expert on this” or “she is a quack”. It has a harsh and judgmental tone. It is oppressive. It is like a parent that is never happy and keeps pushing the kid to be better, closer to perfect. Like perfection is this moving target and you have to just keep being anxious and move frantically to reach it.

What is interesting is that the judgmental, pushing-me-cause-I-am-not-enough voice is very unclear and in a way changes position. It says to write because I should be relevant, maybe become an author and give book tours and I should edit everything I write until it is perfect.

But when I do write and post what flows just naturally out of me, it also says not to write it, not to post it, that is it stupid and irrelevant and will make me look bad.

The kind, gentle voice also in a way has no hard position. It says “you are pure goodness and love whether you write or you don’t”, it says “it is beautiful what you write because it comes from the heart and it will touch whoever it is supposed to touch” and also when I feel trepidation to post or write and end up not posting, it says “you don’t need to do a single thing to be better or relevant. Relevant doesn’t exist. You live for you and you are love.”

As I write this, I realize the harsh voice does have a fixed position and that is “look perfect” and the kind voice’s position if there was one is “do what feels good”. You’d think the choice is obvious, and yet the story continues…..