I am willing to experience this — how to be with one’s own self

This morning I woke up with a whole army of thoughts. Going over a conversation with some friends. Feeling angry of why she said that. Feeling sad at why they think this way. Why do they have this kind of standards. As I was laying in bed, looking at my phone, another thought said I should exercise before going to meet up some friends for lunch. And yet, I was still in bed looking at my phone, while the thought of “having to exercise, shower, get ready and leave and it is not enough time” was lurking around giving me anxiety. 

Then another thought “ugh, I always feel annoyed at this friend”. More thoughts and images of memories of past, so many years ago, when she would say this or that. And how I bet if I tell her this, she’d have this kind of smart-ass remark to give me……. And then I noticed I am having a full-on conversation in my head with her trying to convince her how she is wrong. How her ideas are old. How she should try to have an open mind, and thoughts of her responses that would aggravate me. 

I start exercising and realize I don’t have time. So after 5 reps of biceps curls in one arm, I put the weights away. And decide to go shower. but now I am thinking of how I should have woken up early to exercise. 

As the water pours over my head, I am taken out of my thoughts for a second and realize how tense I am because of all of these thoughts. All of these imaginary conversations that I am having. I am imagining how she would be so adamant in defending her position. How her ideas are so old and how she hasn’t questioned her beliefs. 

In the shower, I say a prayer, please help me see things more clearly. To see how I can be less bothered by these friends, by people. 

I get out of shower. Get dressed. As I am driving, I am still in my head thinking and thinking. But the truth is, I am not thinking, the thoughts are just going and going and going. I want to be present to this moment and yet they come and come and come. 

And all of a sudden, I realize I am kind of at war with myself right now. And what I want more than anything is to just learn to be with myself in peace. How can I be with myself in peace? How can I enjoy my own company? cause these thoughts don’t seem to go away despite all the work I have done on myself, here I am with a million bothersome thoughts. 

And then I had a moment of a miracle. I call it a miracle when a thought comes that is like a balsam to the wound, the peace-inducing thought. And the thought was “what if I was open to my thoughts?” I remembered hearing Tom Compton (who has a podcast and is a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie) say what if you were open to all of it? I said to myself, it is ok Niloo. It is ok to have all these thoughts. They are just a lot of scared little children. They just want everything to be good, for you to be loved, to belong. Even though they sound angry, but underneath it, there is the desire to connect (for my friends to change their beliefs and think like me, so we feel connected). I want to feel loved by them and feel love towards them. This is so innocent. Like a kid that just wants others to play with him and not take away his toys. For us all to agree. 

And at that moment, I felt a release of all that tension. To just be open to the torturous thoughts. Cause they are coming anyways. If I was willing to experience it, somehow the experience of the moment changes when I am open to it. 

I always wonder how to be with oneself? How to not feel lonely? I have heard or read somewhere “if you can’t enjoy your own company and thoughts, how can you expect someone else to?” 

I really think this is the way for me to be with myself, to enjoy my own company. Wether or not I want it, this is my company. These incessant thoughts are part of it. To say “I am willing to experience this” is like saying “I am willing to be here in my body and mind right now” and then feel how it feels to be open and willing to experience something vs. how it feels to not be open and willing, to really not want to experience something that is happening right now. 

Byron Katie’s famous “ Judge a neighbor” worksheet’s last statement is “what is it about this person or event that you never want to experience again?” and then you turn it around and reflect on “I am willing to or are open to experiencing it” why? Because frankly you are seeing it in your head anyways (so you are experiencing it in your thoughts anyways) and why else? because do you want to be free? 

This being me… whoever that is

It was many moons ago but I remember the conversation like it was yesterday. I was on the phone with my sister, asking her what I should text this guy I had gone on a date a few nights prior. I was asking if what I had planned to text him sounded good (I guess a mix of witty, cute, sweet and yet not too sweet, that shows I like him but not too much, etc, etc). This wasn’t unusual in my circle of friends where we’d be hanging out and someone would ask if their planned text message was good enough to send or if they should say something different. On that day though, instead of her usual response, my sister surprised me and asked “Why do you think I would know better than you?” I didn’t think much of what she said at the time and went on with my quest for the perfect text. 

But in the past decade or so, her words have come to me at times and more so recently.

As the etched words of Bob Dylan on my necklace remind me “All I can do is be me, whoever that is” 

All these efforts for self-love over the many years had not really driven this point home as well as recently when I went to a Byron Katie School of work. And while there, sitting with myself, questioning some belief, I started to realize how incredibly relaxing and freeing it is to let myself be. Whatever comes out. 

I recently met a guy I like and as we were texting back and forth, I found myself thinking if the text I had just sent him was good. What if he misunderstands it or thinks I am too much of something or not enough of something else and likes me less. And it hit me, perhaps for the first time that the words that I had just texted, was ALSO me, however perfect or imperfect it may be to him. Obviously when I sent it 30 seconds ago, it seemed good enough to me and yet 30 seconds later I am not so sure. 

The title of Byron Katie’s book “A mind at home with itself” gave me this idea…..  What if, god forbid, I accepted my mind? The crazy, monkey mind that has fear and anxiety- causing thoughts in it…. Of course I don’t like my mind when it gives me self-deprecating or fearful thoughts. And yet, what if I accepted it? I mean, these thoughts are running through my mind anyways and hating on them and trying to ignore them doesn’t work for me (It may work for others but not for me). Resisting them and hating on them doesn’t make them go away. They circle right back again. Yet, questioning their validity with kindness makes them slowly lose their grip on me and evaporate and not circle back as strongly. 

I remember an episode of the TV show “Friends” where Chandler is getting ready to go on a date and the group’s advice to him is “Just be yourself, but not too much yourself”. That’s the kind of advice that can subtly drive me crazy. A part of me thinks I am too much, too open, too nice, too independent, too needy, too naive, too a lot of other things. 

So in this journey of self-acceptance, I have realized that when I am sitting here thinking of the perfect text and writing, deleting it and re-writing it, that I should just send what I am thinking as corny or dorky or whatever as it may sound cause that is ALSO me. Sometimes my words are witty and funny or whatever is acceptable to myself and sometimes they are not and yet it is all a part of me. And someone who wants to be with me, will inevitably see all of it. 

It feels so much more freeing and relaxing since I have adopted this. The minute a self-doubting thought comes to my mind about what I said the night before, I think it was THE ME at that time and it was supposed to be like that.  And if I turned this guy off because he didn’t like what I said or did, then he wasn’t meant to be. I’ll be sad to not see him, but I will get over it. After all, if I don’t like my own company including my own thoughts, how can I expect someone else to like it? 

And I know as clear as I feel about what I am writing here today, that next month, I may totally be driving myself crazy over what I said and how I should have said or done it better. Hopefully if that happens, I can come back and read these words that my sane mind is writing right now and remind myself that it is all ok because all of it is part of me and this being human.