Here I am writing, my salvation always. what is here now?
Is there any point in putting out what I write?
Is there a good choice and bad choice?
I am anxious about tomorrow. Me going alone to Madrid to see the second opinion orthopedist. Will I be able to get on the plane with my crutch easily?
Will I be able to maneuver getting out of the plane, walking to the cab or metro?
It is too much money to take a cab everywhere?
Will I feel anxious?
Will the surgeon be nice? will he explain things?
Will he say I need surgery right away?
Am I making a mistake with this 11 days trip to Dublin?
Will I get worse?
Will I regret my decisions about my leg?
I saw the surgeon yesterday and he said, we should have immobilized your knee in a brace and you should give yourself blood-thinner injections to prevent blood clot while on the brace. Me and my boyfriend, both doctors, came out of the consult, looked at each other surprised. Never heard of this. I was doing physical therapy and he says it should have been immobilized.
I feel more pain in my knee since the surgeon said it should be immobilized. Am I fucking up my knee more or is this pain psychological? Am I fucking up my knee by walking on it, by all the PT I’ve done?
I don’t have answers. This is a post of questions swimming in my head.
I am just trying to hold myself through the anxiety. And say to her, it is ok, we’ll get through this together. I am here with you.
And maybe later, I will ask myself, like Tom, my therapist of sorts, often asks me, something like, “Could it be, could it be possible that you have nothing to worry about it?” Could it be?
But I am not ready for that question yet. I am too anxious to ask that question and just want to let my tears come down.
And focusing on the tenderness in my heart, the tears that come down, there is a sweetness in this pain. It feels good to let myself feel this. It feels good when tears come. I am so grateful for tears…… The little tears of the little anxiety of the little decisions….and…. The big tears of the big anxiety of the little decisions.