Why do I want to write and post publicly? I often have this ongoing struggle in my head.
There are two competing voices in my head. One says: write and post it. Share your heart and your journey and it doesn’t matter who reads it. Like that’s none of my business. My business is just to write and share.
And the other voice says: Why are you doing this? You are being stupid. This is stupid. You are not cut out for this. what you write is not cool. It is not making you look good. It makes you look stupid and pathetic.
You don’t just put everything out there. You should be selective and meticulous. To write something and edit it and edit it until it is perfect and then share it. And you know it is good if lots of people like it, share it and read it. Otherwise, stop doing it.
The first voice is soft, gentle and kind. When I wonder if I should post, it says you love to write, and it is kind to share and when I feel hesitation to share, it says, if you don’t write or post, that is perfectly ok too. There is no “should” with this voice. It is like a kind energy flowing.
The second voice is that of the many people in my head who I have heard being critical of others, saying “who made her an expert on this” or “she is a quack”. It has a harsh and judgmental tone. It is oppressive. It is like a parent that is never happy and keeps pushing the kid to be better, closer to perfect. Like perfection is this moving target and you have to just keep being anxious and move frantically to reach it.
What is interesting is that the judgmental, pushing-me-cause-I-am-not-enough voice is very unclear and in a way changes position. It says to write because I should be relevant, maybe become an author and give book tours and I should edit everything I write until it is perfect.
But when I do write and post what flows just naturally out of me, it also says not to write it, not to post it, that is it stupid and irrelevant and will make me look bad.
The kind, gentle voice also in a way has no hard position. It says “you are pure goodness and love whether you write or you don’t”, it says “it is beautiful what you write because it comes from the heart and it will touch whoever it is supposed to touch” and also when I feel trepidation to post or write and end up not posting, it says “you don’t need to do a single thing to be better or relevant. Relevant doesn’t exist. You live for you and you are love.”
As I write this, I realize the harsh voice does have a fixed position and that is “look perfect” and the kind voice’s position if there was one is “do what feels good”. You’d think the choice is obvious, and yet the story continues…..