When you feel anything but love for someone you are supposed to love

Rumi says every feeling is a guest. To welcome it smiling. 

I sometimes remember this when I feel hate or envy or resentment.

I find it it easier to welcome these feelings when the person who theses feelings are directed towards is either myself or if someone else, they are not around me. 

But what do you do if you have negative thoughts and feelings towards someone who you are living with, or traveling with, and when you think about it, they have done nothing wrong, they are being loving. 

I find it much harder to welcome these feelings. My first instinct seems to be to hate on myself. So now I am dealing with the negative feeling towards the person next to me, layered with hate towards myself. 

And this only makes me want to go away, to shut down. To at least not have them see it in my face, all this negativity. 

For the past 2 years or so, I am living with my boyfriend and it has been so nice cause majority of my thoughts towards him are positive. I find myself most of the times adoring him, thinking he is great and as a result feeling only good feelings towards hims. If I feel negative towards someone else, they are not around and I take my time dealing with those feelings, allowing them, journaling them, questioning them. I don’t have to be in a rush to get rid of them cause I don’t have to interact with these people on a daily basis 

But this past week, I found myself at times thinking not so positive thoughts about my boyfriend  “he should be this way, why is he not that way. Look, I am kissing him and he don’ts come up and spontaneously kiss me on the lips. Why doesn’t he initiate more? Will I never have what I see in the movies? Why doesn’t he look at me with googly eyes like I see this guy look at his wife in some photo she uploaded?”

And the feelings of sadness, doubt, distance in my heart that I then find myself in. 

But I have nowhere to go hide to process these feelings before I can see him. He is right next to me. And so I blurt out something when I am in the trenches of it that ends up feeling hurtful to him. 

I find this the hardest, what do you do with yourself when you feeling negatively towards those who you are right next to? How do you not let it show in your face? How do you not say something critical? 

But most importantly of all, how do you forgive yourself when you find yourself in anything but love and having already said something critical? 

And when you see that your thoughts, feelings and words can cause the other person to feel not-good-enough and withdraw….. when you then fear that if I have these kinds of thoughts and feelings and words, I may make them go away…. What do you do then? With all that fear? 

How do you forgive yourself? When you think you may make your relationship rupture, how do you still love yourself and trust yourself? 

But as I write this, I think maybe it isn’t in my control anyways. Maybe I am just living this life as it comes to me and I can’t fight with what happens. Maybe I can just love this girl whom thoughts happen to her, feelings happen upon her, and words and behaviors at times slip out of her. Can I still love her? I think that’s at the heart of my journey on this earth. Maybe if I had a purpose in life, it would be this. Can I still really love her if she is “bad”? Besides how do I really know if some outcome is bad? I don’t want to hurt anyone, but how do I know if me, inadvertently hurting someone is a bad outcome?

credit: photographsrenderedinplaydoh